Grief and Leadership Observed

I have often wondered about the situations and people and seasons that seem to threaten or hamper leadership from being exercised.  Good leaders and organizations can "go with the flow" and welcome obstacles as part of a transformation process (as part of the learning).  However, what happens when a leader's spirit is challenged or brought low by grief?

Now, there are several things that we can say about grief--things we've all heard before and even practiced.  It's a natural part of life.  It needs to be embraced and attended to.  It teaches valuable life lessons that can be translated to leadership.

But, what happens when grief brings a leader or the group that she is leading "down?"  Inspiration is hard to find.  Energy is low.  Sadness is palpable and even tasted.  Conversely, many aspects of the organization or group seem tasteless.  In other words, what can we say about grief and leadership when a group or a leader is in the throes of grief?  In the midst of the really sad time?

Let's get at this question through a couple of stories.

The first comes from Garrison Keillor's weekly radio broadcast entitled "Prairie Home Companion."  On that show, he offers a 15-20 minute monologue or story on the happenings of Lake Wobegone, a mythical (but o so real!) small town in Minnesota.  In the last few weeks, he has commented on how the pastor of 30 years at the Lutheran church of that small town, Pastor Inqvist, has been moved to another ministry in the Twin Cities.  Needless to say, the residents of this town are trying to get used to their new interim Lutheran pastor, a woman who seems to talk on her cell phone all the time.  As we (particularly church people) might imagine, gossip around town has been heightened.  The town is grieving the loss of this long-serving pastor.  And, it works out its grief through gossip and unflattering comments about the new pastor.  Yet, Keillor's telling of the story (as he so often does) offers a sense of mild amusement and slight humor to the situation.  As if to say, "Yes, this is bad.  It hurts.  It is part of life.  Let's simply accept it for what it is.  Move through it.  Accept it.  And, accept one another through it."

The second story comes from the church I'm serving.  We have a new daycare (separately incorporated business) in the building.  I am reading a story to the children (3- and 4-year-olds) about twice a week now.  Last week, as I finished the story and was telling the children goodbye, I made some reference to God.  One girl approached me immediately and asked, "Who is God?"

Wow!  Now that's a topic for an entirely separate blog ... or book!  Since that comment I've noticed that she always seems sad.  And, that at times she is really needy--trying to engage me after or before I read the story.  I asked the daycare leaders about her.  They tell me that her parents are not real affectionate with her at the daycare.  They do not attend to her very well.  They are not churched.

What a sad thing.  I am not a child psychologist, but I sense that perhaps the girl is grieving her relationship with her parents.  What helps in this situation?  To recognize her situation and her sadness for what it is.  To take seriously her questions.  To respect her neediness and respond appropriately.  To attend to her but not let her sadness or neediness swallow up other interactions.

To me, these suggestions are good for the leader in a time of grief.  To recognize grief for what it is.  To take seriously the questions that arise.  To respect the need to take the time to grieve.  To let others know so that they can respect the grief and respond appropriately.  To attend to the grief, not letting it swallow or consume all relations within the group.  In other words and as an example, the group can still laugh at a good joke or story.  The leader can be honest about his grief without letting it openly consume the person or the group.  As Henri Nouwen put it in The Wounded Healer so long ago:  "open wounds stink and don't heal."  Wounds need to be acknowledged by a leader but not dwelt upon.

These are not simple answers or quick fixes.  But, I hope and pray that they can lead to some thoughtful reflection and fruitful action.

Now, in full disclosure:  this topic is close on my mind, in my heart, and felt in my body lately because I just lost my mom last July and this Sunday is Mother's Day.  Again, in full disclosure:  I pray that this reflection can help someone ....

Thanks for posting responses!

Peace, Doug